tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-71053669954621318872024-02-18T19:26:24.114-08:00My Journey to SimplicityAmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09569648402408632793noreply@blogger.comBlogger152125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7105366995462131887.post-76480364140357186722018-11-05T20:13:00.002-08:002018-11-05T20:17:54.230-08:00I miss my MomI miss my Mom. I miss her touch, her soothing touch of her hands, her voice, her presence. I miss the way I used to be annoyed by the things she did. I miss her hands. I am so glad she is no longer here suffering or going through the horrible consequences of being in a human body but I yearn to hear her call my name.<br />
It struck me today that my kids yearn for me the way that I miss her. That same deep ache. My touch is the most soothing of all touches. They delight in seeing me first thing in the morning. They know no better or deeper love than mine. What an amazing and powerful gift motherhood is.Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09569648402408632793noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7105366995462131887.post-51422188602831911232018-02-28T20:36:00.000-08:002018-02-28T20:36:28.973-08:00LossI am way to young to have lost this many people. Loss has been heavy on my mind after the loss of a friend recently. I started questioning why this was such a heavy feeling, and then it occurred to me... because it is so many. My parents talk about death as just a normal progression at their age. They are in their 70's. I am surrounded by death in my profession, which I think takes some of the sting out of it sometimes. A equally aged friend was reflecting on how few people she had lost in her lifetime and it became a curious question why I have lost so many.<br />
<br />
As a child I lost a normal amount of the great grandparents and the grandparents that I never new. Then when I was 15 a close friend committed suicide. This is the first time that I tasted death and its bitterness. I felt it for what it was. A life ceased. Years stolen and experiences never to be. We were left with so many questions, questions that linger still today 20+ years later.<br />
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Later that year I lost my Grandma. She was an amazing woman. She wasn't a grandma like I think many know their grandma. I didn't spend a lot of time with her, nor did we know each other very well. But she was the only grandma I had ever known and she was an extraordinary woman. We honored her memory by caring on her name with our daughter's middle name.<br />
<br />
Many years past with maybe a scattering of death's. Periphery people, or cousins I never knew. Sad the same, but not life altering.<br />
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When I was a young married woman a man who filled in some fatherly holes passed away. I was his cub. We spent hundreds of hours together, sometimes in silence, sometimes making conversation to pass the time. Always with deep respect and admiration. He loved me as a granddaughter he hadn't had yet, and he understood undesirable parts of my childhood like no one else could have. I still feel his presence from time to time. On the year anniversary of his death we found our first home that we bought. We have been happy here. We have been content here. This home has been more than a shelter, it has been a safe haven and has blessed us. I feel his presence here, still loving on me and mine from beyond.<br />
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When my Grandfather passed away, it was an end of my grandparent generation. He was a amazing man whom I was blessed to get to know in a way I never expected, and share sweet memories that I don't believe any of the other grandchildren got to see. I have regrets that I couldn't be there more at his end, but if anyone wouldn't want me to be sorrowful it would be him. What's done is done, and when your dead your dead. Thanks Grandpa. I can still smell you and feel your embrace when I think of you.<br />
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My husband's grandparents always treated me as a grandchild and not a wife of a grandson. After my grandfather died, my relationship with them became even more important. I loved my husbands grandma. She was a little woman in physicality, but so strong in presence. We were so blessed to be such a big part of her passing. It was one of the most beautiful death's I have ever seen. Surrounded by loved ones. All of her children, their spouses and most of her grandchildren crammed into one room, we stood guard as she took her last breaths. She struggled so much at the end of her life and it was so peaceful to see her be at peace.<br />
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It is one thing when an older person dies. It is sad and you miss them and it is hard to move on without them in your life, but their isn't the questions and regret of a life unlived as it is when it is a young person. Especially one who dies at their own hands. Lizeth was a coworker that I didn't know well. But we had children similar ages and had a quick bond because of that. We worked together most shifts and she quickly became one of my favorite CNA's. I was standing in the middle of the produce isle when I got the call that she had died at her own hands. I have come to terms with her death, but I am still not ok with it. We had one conversation that I can still hear in my head, and I will forever remember. Her presence will always be felt when I hear this one song. I will keep her children close in thoughts and prayers knowing they will grow without knowing their mother.<br />
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Eric. Eric's death came as a huge surprise. He was bigger than life. Had a smile that would light up a room. I feel richer for having known him. Eric was a dear friend to my husband. He was the best man in our wedding. He was taken to young, 36. Cancer is an unfair diagnosis, and an evil disease. I will forever remember his laugh, and remember how he made you feel. Loved.<br />
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My sweet Terri. Terri past away the day after Christmas. Her body was done. I am so grateful her pain is over, and she doesn't have to live long enough to experience arthritis and what it would be like to live with full time care. Terri and I were friends for 16 years. We met when we were both young and vibrant. She stood by my side through the most tumultuous years of my life. Boyfriends, heartbreaks, husbands, weddings, babies. She was a wonderful woman who was so full life and happiness. Her smile melted all of your cares away and her laugh... My life is far richer for have known her. She has had a lifelong impression on my family, my children. I am at peace with my last days with her. I brought her comfort and rest, we laughed and cried, and she knew I loved her.<br />
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I think that this is an unnatural amount of people, close people, who I have lost in my short 37 years of living. Maybe it seems compounded with all of the other periphery people, and patients that I have had to grieve. I don't know exactly what the afterlife holds but I do know that those who have faith in something bigger than themselves have an easier time letting go of their earthly body. I know those who had some sort of a relationship with God still speak to me and help guide me. I feel their presence. Death is just one more stage of life, perhaps the last stage that we see, but I am hopeful that because these people lived and live on in my memory, the world will never be without their lessons because they live on through me.Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09569648402408632793noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7105366995462131887.post-86739709857577870482016-12-07T06:26:00.003-08:002016-12-07T06:26:55.826-08:00I'm 36!Today I turn 36. How the hell did this happen? Recently it has struck me just how quick time has seem to go. I have blogged before about how I have reached the age that I never thought I would be. Even more so at 36. I feel in some way that I have come into my own. I feel as though I have a lot of my priorities straight, and I know what and who is important. I have much less tolerance for BS and value quality and depth much more than quantity. Maybe this is a normal progression of age but it is a noticeable difference in the past few years. <br />
There is so many things that take my time, energy and emotional attention at this time that I haven't had the time or capacity to be very introspective recently. For the past several years I have written this big blog post about who I am, where I stand, what my goals for the year are. This year I am lucky that I got to my computer to blog. <br />
At 36...<br />
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<ul>
<li>I strive to be authentic. I am drawn to all things original and authentic and I would like to be the most honest, best version of myself.</li>
<li>I want to be active. I want physical activity to be a part of me. I want to crave it when I don't have it. I want it to be a necessary part of every day.</li>
<li>I want to embrace grace. Grace for myself, grace for others. I want to be understanding and hold no condemnation towards my or anyone else's actions.</li>
<li>I want to be present. Time keeps slipping through my hands and I feel as though I miss the forest through the trees. I pray that I can be present in every day life. When I'm somewhere or with someone I want to be fully present in that moment. When I shop, I want to be shopping. When I am with my kids, I want to be with my kids, when I'm working I want to be working.</li>
</ul>
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That is it. That is my depth and introspection. I am off to be authentic, active, graceful and present in my day!</div>
Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09569648402408632793noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7105366995462131887.post-81958484154936924162016-04-26T05:16:00.003-07:002016-04-26T05:16:54.119-07:00My Momma's Birthday<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4NaEYe7vk2p5e_nfNGDcuGZcFM75Zvc7eMWJFTaC8ofbPZ038qtwd7OhXFY9esIWJFxgdYp5mX-hMk9lOK1RBQRCdrQcSR_Avuq-jiPPntQ8z3lNmorKohaP_xTB8KyL8EDc7eSWr9P0/s1600/20151028_181626.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4NaEYe7vk2p5e_nfNGDcuGZcFM75Zvc7eMWJFTaC8ofbPZ038qtwd7OhXFY9esIWJFxgdYp5mX-hMk9lOK1RBQRCdrQcSR_Avuq-jiPPntQ8z3lNmorKohaP_xTB8KyL8EDc7eSWr9P0/s200/20151028_181626.jpg" width="150" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgambq4IpN2IqB3zS64LX83GrbVq4qI8OuwM8RKuUfz-m1mOqGtx-4D_1f8ypwsJmAD_ZU9XDRoCayc0M7ooSocUyNmbW5Er3-IdGLLQ4t-hT1N7keuKEF9-2npR8C5wf7uD7nElItb-Hw/s1600/20151111_112235.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgambq4IpN2IqB3zS64LX83GrbVq4qI8OuwM8RKuUfz-m1mOqGtx-4D_1f8ypwsJmAD_ZU9XDRoCayc0M7ooSocUyNmbW5Er3-IdGLLQ4t-hT1N7keuKEF9-2npR8C5wf7uD7nElItb-Hw/s200/20151111_112235.jpg" width="200" /></a>Today my mother defies all odds and enters another decade of her life. My mother, who survived a horrible childhood, endured a difficult adult life, fought and won three separate cancers, raised two very strong daughters, and has been blessed by four adoring grandchildren, turns 70! She is THE MOST beautiful, vibrant and alive 70 year old I know. She is an inspiration to me every day I live. She constantly gives of herself, of her time, of her love and of her prayer. I often tease that she has the direct line to God. She prays and things happen. She is a wonderful mother and I have never doubted for a moment how much she loves me. I only hope that I can raise my children in such a way that they have the security and unwavering love that my mother always gave me. Thank you Mom for being a guiding light in my life and always setting a standard for which all others are measured. I love you!<br />
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Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09569648402408632793noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7105366995462131887.post-20929984814671356092016-04-26T05:02:00.000-07:002016-04-26T05:02:24.422-07:00ButterflyI stumbled back upon this the other day. I think about this essay frequently but wanted to put it somewhere I could refer to it often and share it with others I think could benefit from its heart felt words and sentiment.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>The Transformations of Motherhood</b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Honoring your "caterpillar self," as well as the butterfly you have become</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
By: Amy Tiemann, Ph.D.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
It is tempting to romanticize miraculous transformations. A homely, leaf-munching caterpillar spins a cocoon, incubates and emerges as a gorgeous butterfly. It's an image we're all familiar with, and we are always happy to see the new butterfly stretch her wings.<br />
But I bet you have never asked yourself, "what about the caterpillar?"<br />
The caterpillar is gone. After she enters the cocoon, her cells completely rearrange. The new butterfly is an amazing creature; one that is beautiful, strong and able to soar to new heights. But one thing is for sure - she will never be a caterpillar again. <br />
Becoming a mom means that like the caterpillar, your life will change in amazing, and significant ways. Getting a whole new life does not have to be a <i>bad</i> thing, but it comes as quite a shock if you don't realize that's what you are signing up to do.<br />
Our culture doesn't do a very good job of explaining this to people before they become parents. Birth is such a big event that it is natural for us to over-prepare for it. However, we do new parents a disservice by failing to look <i>beyond </i>the issues of delivery and infant care. In many ways, the birth industry is to motherhood as the wedding industry is to marriage. You get so caught up in the "big day" that you don't look beyond it to the rest of your life. <br />
A new baby is not just a temporary diversion in your plans, like a big project at work that takes over your life for a few months before things get back to normal. Adding children to your family means creating a new way of life - a new "normal" - especially for the child's primary caregiver, usually Mom.<br />
Becoming a parent sets you on a lifelong path of constantly evolving challenges. By the time you've figured out the terrible twos, you are faced with new three-year-old issues. Having a baby means that five years from now you'll be the parent of a kindergartner, and in thirteen years you'll have a teenager! You are signing up for challenges you can't even envision yet.<br />
The clash between expectation and reality can be one of the most stressful aspects of the initiation into motherhood, especially for women who are used to being in control of their lives. Motherhood is an exercise in letting go of absolute control and making peace with chaos. One of my goals is to reduce the shock of becoming a mom by giving women a more realistic view of what motherhood is really like.<br />
Becoming a mother takes on a new set of challenges when a woman has spent 30 years or more developing her own identity into the most wonderful caterpillar she could be before becoming a butterfly. The older a woman is when she becomes a mom, the more of an established identity she has to leave behind.<br />
So after four decades of social change and increasing opportunity for women, we find ourselves faced with life at the intersection of feminism and reality. Motherhood brings gender roles to the forefront for the first time in many women's lives, creating new negotiations with spouses about fairly sharing the care giving and household work that come with family life.<br />
Women are challenged to carve out career paths that balance the goals of financial security, finding an outlet for our professional talents, and at the same time "being there" for our families. And on top of it all, somewhere in this complicated equation, we hope to find a place for <i>ourselves</i> in our lives. <br />
My hope is that in 21st Century America, women can learn to feel free to talk honestly about the joys of motherhood as well as the challenges. It is not only okay, but also important to mourn the loss of the parts of your pre-motherhood "caterpillar self" that you miss.<br />
Find a way to express these feelings and honorably say good-bye to the parts of your old life you may not be able to - or don't want to - reclaim. Find a trusted friend to talk to who will listen to your losses without minimizing them.<br />
Once you have let go of the idea of returning to life just as it was before you became a mother, you will have more emotional energy to devote to finding new pathways in your life. If there is a part of your caterpillar self that you have put aside but long to reclaim, hold on to that goal. You may be able to revive that part of your life as your children get older, or you can identify its essence and come up with a new outlet that gives you the same reward. The goals of my work are to encourage you to make a conscious choice to continue developing your own identity after becoming a mom, and to provide inspiration and practical ideas to help you do so.<br />
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Media Contact: Michelle Tennant, 828-749-3200, michele@tennant.org www.mojomom.presskit247.comAmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09569648402408632793noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7105366995462131887.post-28402173699060994752016-04-05T05:30:00.001-07:002016-04-05T05:30:48.403-07:00The Seed Was Planted<div dir="ltr">
A couple of weeks ago a major shift happened in my life. It has been over a year long journey to get to this place, but now I am here, and this change has taken over.</div>
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Heath was out of town over a weekend, and I was home with the kids. Such a strange thing for me to be alone with the kids on a weekend. Getting up for church that day was hard, I could have stayed in bed for hours. Knowing Annabelle's disappointment and knowing there was really no good reason to miss, we pushed forward. We were late to church, and I even thought as we were walking in, do I really want to do this?</div>
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Annabelle recently began going to the "big kids" service. It is a lot more like church and less like preschool with playing and having a God centered craft activity. They have bee learning about scripture, and several weeks earlier, we had purchased her own bible. As we were rushing into church, with her new beloved pink bible in hand, being carried in her bible bag that my grandmother had made for me as a little girl, she asked me "Mom, why don't you bring a bible". I had no good answer for my wide eyed innocent 5 year old. I had no words that would even explain why there hasn't ever been a bible in my home since I moved out of my parents house. Children have this amazing ability to hold up a huge mirror in front of your face and make you really look at the reflection. I didn't like what I saw.<br />
The funny thing was that I had been thinking about the bible a lot recently. I sit in church, enjoy the sermon and carry forward in my week with a positive message. The thing is that I really don't have a good grasp on what the bible says. As my faith evolves and my questions arise, I have no bases for any belief or disbelief. I know the big stories from the bible, and have heard a lot of the references, but have never had a great grasp on all the in between stuff. Why are there so many chapters to the bible? How do they all fit together? Why does it have the same stories in multiple different books? A lot of these questions had started bubbling to the surface.</div>
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A few months ago, there was an amazing guest speaker at church. Patsy Camenti (https://vimeo.com/groups/363795/videos/151806509) planted a seed somewhere deep inside me that had been germinating since. Around that time I had also watched the movie the War Room. Both of these things went hand in hand. These messages brought up a lot of questions about my own prayer life. Was my prayer life cold, luke warm or on fire? Well, lets just say that my prayer life doesn't hold a flame to the hot flashes!</div>
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Once I got the kids settled into church and made my way (15 minutes late) into the sanctuary, I took my usual seat next to my parents. I fidgeted to get comfortable in my usual, I'm here but I have a lot of doubts but want to believe way. I was pondering all of my long list of doubts when one of the musician in the band looked up from his guitar and looked straight at me. He walked to the front of the stage and offered his prophetic word. God had told him that we were looking through the wrong lens. We needed to close our eyes and look through our hearts. I had my attention on the wrong thing and needed to look with a different purpose. Whoa!<br />
I always enjoy the music that the worship band plays. That days especially hit me. I have been listening to quite a bit of Christian radio, and there are a few songs that I tend to crank up the volume up when they come on. There was a singer on stage that I have never heard perform and she started to belt out one of my favorite songs. The songs message: let the love surround you, call upon his name when you have doubts, like the oceans vastness so is his love for you, hard to comprehend.<br />
I have to say this is probably the first time I have sang in church in a long long time. I love that song and I love our worship band. I sang. When I was a young lady at church camp when my faith was strong, I would sing my heart out and hold my hands up in worship. I haven't held my hands up in 20 years. I put my hand up. Ever so slightly, right by my waist, but it was up!<br />
The pastors message is usually very interesting and I always get something out of it. That day, it was tailored just for me! (https://vimeo.com/157064375). The message talked about basing your faith in the word. Develop a deep desire for the word and what it says. He compared our faith to a harvest from a farmer. People want to reap a harvest (of faith) without ever planting a seed (of the word). Whoa! That point flew out right into the audience and hit me right upside the head, D'oh! Here I was having a desire for faith, and walking the walk, but not have done any of the work to plant the seeds. I don't believe the message could have been any clearer.</div>
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The next day during my morning routine, I opened the book I have read a couple of times, Jesus calling, and what message do I get? "You are on the right path. Listen more to Me and less to your doubts...As I said to My disciple Peter, so I say to you: Follow Me." Those words flew off of the page and hit me upside the head, D'oh! I felt like saying, ok, ok I get it! People always say that they are waiting for a sign from God. I think God sent me a few signs on top of each other, because I obviously needed it in multiples to understand!</div>
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Since this series of event,s a shift has happened in my life. Where there has never been a desire to read the bible, there is now a deep desire and curiosity for what the word says. I have bought a bible, a highlighter, bible tabs, printed off a family tree of the old testament, and have read almost every day. I am halfway through Leviticus. I have had some wonderful poignant conversations with my father. I have gone to church when I absolutely have not had to go, on days I have had time, I have downloaded and listened to or watched sermons. I am curious how it all works and all the meat now. I can't explain this desire other than I have planted some slow germinating seeds over the past couple of years and they are finally starting to sprout! Soon, I believe, God will reveal what my garden is supposed to look like.</div>
Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09569648402408632793noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7105366995462131887.post-47917089120415798192016-02-11T06:33:00.001-08:002016-02-12T16:32:04.585-08:00Meridian Tapping<p dir="ltr">One of my best discoveries recently is of meridian tapping.  It has done a better job of helping me with my anxiety than anything I have ever tried.  <br>
I stumbled upon this practice from a video posted from one of my favorite bloggers.  (http://www.mamaandbabylove.com/).  The author has a daughter with some sensory issues and she shared a video of how she helps to prevent meltdowns with tapping.  It was so amazing to see this little girl model after her mama.  That video sent me on a search for other videos and more information.  The  basic premise is that our bodies are made up of grids, called meridians.  Energy gets stuck in these meridians as travels through our bodies.  There are several ways to help unblock it and move it around.  Accupuncture, accupressure, massage, reflexology all work on similar premises.  Once I tried tapping, I was immediatly hooked.  I could literally feel some of these channels unclog.  It was like pulling a stopper out of a sink full of dirty dish water.  I could instantly feel my body relax and tension release.<br>
I have been practicing tapping almost daily for many weeks now and this morning I didn't really feel anything shift.  It got me curious. Was I not in the right space or if maybe for the first time since I started, maybe I hit a plateau? Did I not have any built up or clogged energy? Maybe I did a maintenance session?  Kind of a cool thought. To be continued...</p>
Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09569648402408632793noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7105366995462131887.post-73105189257533929892016-02-06T05:30:00.001-08:002016-02-06T22:36:30.300-08:00My BRCA Journey Part TwoI LIVED!! One of my greatest, and most unrealistic fear of having surgery was the anesthesia. As the anesthesialogist told me, I had more risk driving in a car to the hospital than I had going under general anesthesia. Thankfully I had a great experience. The syncronisities continued and could not have asked for a better surgery experience. <br />
Heath and I got up really early and left twice as long of time to get to the hospital as we needed because we had to go all the way across Denver in morning rush hour. We hit not one accident or traffic jam and arrived a full hour before we needed to check in. We were just pulling in when I got a phone call from the hospital saying that they were running ahead of schedule and asked if we could get there any earlier. When has that ever happened in the history of healthcare!?<br />
I had great staff in preop, and have no recollection of anything from leaving preop until postop. I felt great, had no nausea, was able to get up pretty quickly and peed easily. The only issue was that I probably took a little too much pain medicine and could not stay awake for longer than a couple of minutes, lightweight.<br />
We got home by dinner time and I slept all the way in the car. I recovered comfortably on the couch the following few days, and other than feeling like I had done the ab workout from hell, I really felt good. I only took the percocet for a day or two, and then soley took Ibprofen for a week or so until I started forgetting to take pain medicine. <br />
Heath lived up to and exceeded all of my expectations with his level of concern and dedication. My mom was a dream and at the ready for any needs Heath and I had. They both let me lounge around and relax. Healing was no problem with such wonderful people in my corner.<br />
After a week, I was pretty well back on my feet, and after two weeks I felt like I could go back to work. I had to be off for four weeks to allow my surgical sites to completely heal. With the physicality and lifting expectations in my job, there is some concern for developing a hernia through one of those sites. It was a wonderful opportunity for a staycation. Heath and I and the kids sucked up all of the wonderful family time, and made the most of every opportunity to enjoy being home (a rarity for the four of us).<br />
I was ready to walk into my two week surgeon follow up appoinment questioning if my doctor really took anything out because I had not had one symptom of menapause. Then just a couple of days before, I had my first hot flash. Wabam! I heard them described as "power surges" before and I would agree that is what they feel like. Instead of being hot like usually, when you have too many layers on, you take off your coat or your sweater and it feels better. Nope, nothing helps these. It is a internal fire which there is no relief until it passes. Luckly they are quick, usually less than a minute long. I have them mostly at night when I am sleeping, and at church (I'm trying not to read to much into that). Since I have returned to work, I have noticed they happen quite a bit at work to, but it's quite a nice change from being freezing all the time.<br />
I am so grateful that a few power surges are my only symptom. There is nothing else that I have noticed, and nothing that Heath has remarked on. I feel perfectly normal, and am able to get on with life, just a little warmer! The relief that I feel having had the procedure done, and knowing all the pathology came back completly clean is indescribable. I am grateful that I have had such a great recovery and do not regret the path that I have chosen. I have been truly blessed! Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09569648402408632793noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7105366995462131887.post-33093210944768833612015-12-06T21:59:00.001-08:002015-12-06T23:18:21.353-08:00Today I turn 35<p dir="ltr">As I write this I have one full hour until it is my birthday.  My 35th birthday.  That birthday.  I think we all must have that age and that birthday that throws us for a loop.  That age we reach that we never thought would really come. That age where we would feel this way or be that person or have that thing.  35 is that age for me because that is the age where my life will change forever.  Things are about to get real, real serious. I am working on a blog post called My BRCA Journey (My BRCA Journey Part One <a href="http://ankahler.blogspot.com/2015/12/my-brca-journey-part-one.html">http://ankahler.blogspot.com/2015/12/my-brca-journey-part-one.html</a>).  I should be done with it in the next week.  But in short, I am BRCA positive, and am having the recommended by age 35 prophylactic surgery in the next couple of weeks.  This will change my life, forever.  I have made this decision over and over for 8 years, but somehow now that I am here it seems as though the years have flown by and all of the sudden we are here.  In this moment.  </p>
<p dir="ltr">For this moment, where I am still 34 and things are still the same, I will take a moment.  This year of being 34 has been one of survival. I have done very little growing.  But my roots have grown deep and I feel the earth surround me.  I have become grounded in so many ways.  I emerge from this year feeling comfortable in who I am,  and what I am.  I strive for more, take every opportunity to reach for growth, and ponder on areas for opportunity. But if all I can do is survive, I'm OK with that.  I am OK with me.</p>
<p dir="ltr">In my new year I look for peace and grace within myself.  Grace to not hold myself to an unattainable or unrealistic set of standards.  To have goals but also to  allow time for freedom.   To allow space for life to unfold, perfectly unplanned.  I pray for a continuation of faith and eyes wide open see and experience blessings and miracles. I wish for patients and unending streams of gratefulness.  Happy 35th Birthday ... Relish it!!</p>
Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09569648402408632793noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7105366995462131887.post-14971564080024420842015-12-02T09:05:00.001-08:002016-02-06T22:36:31.132-08:00My BRCA Journey Part One<div dir="ltr">
As a women I have come to understand we are verbal processors. We need to talk, think and write through things. I have been on a path through this journey for many years, and am coming to a critical turn in the road. I am choosing to use this vehicle, this blog, which has helped me process through so much the past few years, process through this next journey. <br />
My BRCA journey started 24 years ago, when I was 11 years old. At 46 years old my Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. My Mom was great, brave and incredibly strong, as I have very few memories from this time because for me life continued to be pretty normal. A lumpectomy, emergency surgery for a hematoma, chemo, radiation, my mom had it all. She worked the entire way through it and continued to be the greatest mom to me and my sister who is 3 years older. It wasn't until years later that I realized how much she must have gone through during that time. 14 years later, on the cusp of my matrimonial bliss to my best friend, my mom was diagnosed with stage 3 ovarian cancer. This time, I was a full adult, and was able to walk hand in hand with her through it all. That time includes some of my best and worst memories in life, but it made me who I am today. I was engaged in December, my mom had surgery in January, and as she recovered in the hospital from a complete hysterectomy, I filled out my nursing school application. Somehow that diagnosis pushed me from thinking about it to having no doubt nursing what I was meant to do. As my mom begin chemo treatments, I learned that I had been accepted. The monthly visits to get chemo were some of the most scary but fun times. As we sat through the infusions, we planned a large part of my wedding. Many of the oncology nurses wade in on this decision or that. As she and my father walked me down the isle on my wedding day, although beautiful in her off white suit and perfectly styled wig, she was completely bald.<br />
During that time one of the physicians suggested that both my sister and I get tested for the BRCA genetic mutations. For some of you who have not heard of this, it is a irregularity in your genes which causes a great increase in risk of getting breast and ovarian cancer. Both my sister and I were tested, and of 50/50 odds, we both tested positive. My wonderful husband knew when he married me that this was a possibility, and has walked every day with me hand in hand since this diagnosis. We have talked many times about all the risks, complications, and possibilities that lay ahead. There are two routes to take upon getting this diagnosis. There is high surveillance, and there is prophylactic surgery. I knew from the moment that I was diagnosed, even before I got my results, what I would do if I came back positive. I hate the feeling of knowing that my time is coming. Every weird pain, cramp, weird skin lesion, common symptom, leave a question in my brain whether today is my day for cancer. I have known for eight years that I would have prophylactic surgery at some point. Now that that time has come, it is scary as hell! Since my diagnosis, I have been under high surveillance. In between children and breastfeeding I have been poked and prodded, scanned and ultrasounded, and been to the doctor for more time than I would like to admit. It is never far from my mind about what the results of any of these tests could be. I believe that once my surgeries are done, I will exhale for the first time since I was diagnosed.</div>
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The prophylactic surgeries include a total mastectomy and a bilateral Salpingo oophorectomy. I have researched both of these surgeries in great detail and have come to a decision that at this time in our lives, only the bilateral salpingo-oophorectomy is the right choice for me. With my husband in full-time school, my income is the only source for our family, and the nature of my work, I have some serious concerns about the intensity of a total mastectomy. There is a lot of healing time, risk of infection, and a lot of follow-up care if I choose reconstruction. I don't feel comfortable taking that leap knowing that if there was a complication, it would mess up our time line and frame for our life plan. I choose a minimally invasive, robotic, laproscopic, outpatient surgery. If everything goes according to plan I should be back to work in 4 weeks. Having the surgery in of itself reduces my risk of breast breast cancer at this time by 50%. I feel very comfortable with the screening techniques for breast cancer and if something were to mutate prior to a complete mastectomy, that it would be caught early and in a curable stage. There is no good test for ovarian cancer, and frequently when it is found, it is in a late and hard to cure stages. That scares the crap out of me. Because I'm choosing to only take my ovaries and fallopian tubes and leaving my breasts at this time, I am not a good candidate for hormone replacement therapy. That means from the moment I wake up from surgery, I will be in full blown menopause. Every woman has a different experience with menopause, but I am bracing for the worst. That way I will be pleasantly surprised when it when it's nothing like I imagined! There are some options for people in my situation to lessen the side effects of menopause. Hot flashes, night sweats, insomnia, mood disturbances, and a decreased sex drive are just some of the fun experiences I am looking forward to! Working with my primary physician I am going to be starting an anti depressant / anti anxiety medication called venlafaxine, and an anti seizure medication called gabapentin. Both of these medications have shown to have a beneficial side effect of decreasing hot flashes and mood disturbances and improving sleep quality of menopausal women. It has been suggested to me at different time periods of my life that an antidepressant would be a benefit to me, and I've always been very resistant. I always felt as though my anxiety and mood disturbances were situational and never a true chemical imbalance. With as much life that sits on my plate at this time, I want to give myself the best chance for success in the coming years. I need to be functional in my everyday life as a mother, and night shift worker, a nurse and a wife. Whatever I can do to help lessen the severe effects that I will have coming out of surgery, the better! I'm hoping that these medications are not a lifetime commitment, but time will have to tell. My primary physician says that so many people feel so good on these medications that they often do not want to come back off.</div>
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Sometime late this summer it struck me that I would be turning 35 this year. 35 has seemed to be this far distant age number that I would never reach. I was told when I was 24 years old, that prophylactic surgery would be recommended by the age of 35! I had a lot of life to live! In eleven years I got married, had children, made sure we were done having kids. Logan ensured that fact in both our hearts and minds. The idea for surgery went from "oh yeah someday I will get to that" to "Oh man I better start researching that". I started having some consultation appointments, looking at my benefits, figuring out a time frame and read whatever I could get my hands on. After meeting with a wonderful breast surgeon, I took a step back. I wondered what was my rush? Yes all the research showed that 35 was a good age to start having prophylactic surgery, but nothing said waiting until I was 40 was going to double or quadruple my risk. I had a wonderful phone consultation with my genetic counselor, and came came out with a lot of food for thought. I digested all the information that she said over the next couple months. Basically my curve for probability of cancer did not suddenly start a huge upswing once I turned 35. That was the beginning years were they saw some early onset breast and ovarian cancer. There was nothing to say that waiting a few years, and until Heath was done with school, in a stable job, and my kids were a bit older, would be a dangerous decision. The more I sat with this, and the concerns I had about completing a mastectomy, I begin to tease out the fact they were two different surgeries. It is a major major downside that since I'm not taking my breasts at the same time that I cannot be on hormone replacement therapy. But it takes my pot off the front burner and moves it to the back burner, in my mind, for a couple years. I have thought about this decision for a while now and feel comfortable both with considering how it fits into my life now, and my risk. <br />
I met with two fantastic surgeons that came very highly recommended. Fortunately, I loved both of them! I prayed that the decision on which one to go with would be very clear, and all the parts and pieces would fall together. That is exactly what happened. She had an opening in the time frame that I was looking for and all of my health records are in the same health system. It fit together like a nice compact puzzle. I will be having a bilateral salpingo-oophorectomy on December 22nd, 2015 at the University of Colorado Hospital with Dr. Jamie Arudda. She is a oncologist gynecologic surgeon, specializes in BRCA patients. She is very experienced with people and my situation, and is specially trained to be able to do the least invasive surgery necessary. I have been reading a book that has huge sections on synchronicities in life. I used to belong to a woman's group which commemorated multiple parts of the year with honoring seasons and ritualizing Solstice's. I find it very funny that I will be entering the winter of my life the day after the winter solstice. Talk about the synchronicities in this lifetime. So as I prepare for this change in my life I am doing a lot of soul searching, and preparation for feeling different in my body and about my body. Thank you for being on this journey with me and caring to read my feelings on the subject. Part 2 will begin post surgery and I'm sure we'll have many interesting insight as to what menopause feels like at the ripe age of 35!</div>
Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09569648402408632793noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7105366995462131887.post-10451907067126673272015-11-30T23:02:00.001-08:002015-11-30T23:09:17.748-08:00Day 30: Good Citizens<p dir="ltr">Today I am grateful for the people who are in the world that are good citizens. We saw a car break down today, right in the middle of traffic. Two separate cars full of good citizens pulled over, got out, and helped push a total strangers car out of the way. The coolest part, they just jumped back into their car like nothing happened, took off and right back into their day. I am so pleased to know that this kind of respect and chilvary is still alive and well.</p>
Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09569648402408632793noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7105366995462131887.post-87174089699920286902015-11-30T22:57:00.001-08:002015-11-30T23:08:35.010-08:00Day 29: Massage and Chiropractors<p dir="ltr">I've had a little trouble with my lower back lately, nothing big just a sign of my age and profession, and have started going back to a chiroprator. I also found a gift certificate that was given to me by my wonderful in laws, and went and had a massage today. Wow! It is amazing to be pampered. I think one of the coolest things is that we didn't speak for the entire time. Udder silence. I am grateful for the opportunities with these modalities to really do some healing and hopefully prevent any future problems.</p>
Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09569648402408632793noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7105366995462131887.post-23291492638436138972015-11-28T16:45:00.001-08:002015-11-28T16:45:27.890-08:00Day 28: Myself<p dir="ltr">Today I am grateful for myself. I am finally at a age that I feel very comfortable being me and appreciate things about myself. Of course I have a laundry list of traits I would like to change or work on but overall I am grateful for the person I am.</p>
Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09569648402408632793noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7105366995462131887.post-63323765844895820482015-11-27T22:58:00.003-08:002015-11-28T00:20:14.967-08:00Day 26: House Guests <p dir="ltr">I don't often have house guests and I am grateful for that. It is very hard having people in your space for any extended length of time. It is really fun for me though to have my house feel so full. It is so fun to have one of my daughters favorite playmates just down the hall. It was glorious this morning to get out of bed, have my children up and fed, the coffee made and my breakfast there waiting for me. I couldn't ask for better, more considerate people to be in my space with me. </p>
Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09569648402408632793noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7105366995462131887.post-26077385030395024712015-11-27T22:58:00.001-08:002015-11-28T00:15:21.260-08:00Day 25: Extended Family<p dir="ltr">Today I am grateful for my extended family! When we all get together in a big group and outsider would never be able to tell who is blood and who is related by marriage. I have the greatest of people that all have so much to offer and so much love to give. My mother and father in law are two of the most amazing kind harted, genuine people I have ever had the honor of knowing. My brother in laws are the brothers that I could have never dreamed better. I love being part of this amazing journey with these people. </p>
Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09569648402408632793noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7105366995462131887.post-39959573315998018312015-11-27T22:50:00.001-08:002015-11-28T00:21:39.125-08:00Day 27: Nice Patients<p dir="ltr">Today I am grateful for kind patients!  I have several of the nicest,  involved patients tonight and when I have those it somehow makes everything we do so worthwhile. It breaks up the nights that are extremely rough and challenging. It makes me have faith in humanity.</p>
Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09569648402408632793noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7105366995462131887.post-83532541065020354432015-11-25T02:48:00.001-08:002015-11-28T00:10:35.506-08:00Day 24: Family<p dir="ltr">I have the best family!   My sister and brother in law were expected in today to celebrate Thanksgiving here in Colorado and I was so excited all day.  I be bopped around,  talked to everyone at the grocery store, played with my kids, teased people I didn't know. I am so grateful for my family who are kind and thoughtful, just like me in so many ways, and not dysfunctional in a negative way. In my line if work I see so many horrible families that are intentionally hurtful and cruel and I am just so grateful that I am blessed to be with these amazing people for the holidays.</p>
Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09569648402408632793noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7105366995462131887.post-7649646159741148312015-11-25T02:46:00.001-08:002015-11-28T00:05:28.707-08:00Day 23: Yoga<p dir="ltr">Today I am thankful for yoga. Yoga has played a very important role in my everyday life these past couple of years. Yoga is how I start almost every morning. I get out of bed and complete a series of stretches. It is the first thing I like to do most days. The days I don't get it done is the days that I notice it in every movement for the entirety of my being awake. I am inspired by my practice and am inspired by how little in know about the art itself.</p>
Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09569648402408632793noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7105366995462131887.post-91456357446788544382015-11-20T09:09:00.003-08:002015-11-27T23:58:20.168-08:00Day 22: My Dad <p dir="ltr">Today I am grateful for my dad.  He is a  wonderful man who loves me and my loved ones very deeply.  He taught my sister and I how to be stronge women, and not have to be dependent on a man. Because of his lessons I am very much my husbands equal.<br>
Today I bought new shower head for one of our bathrooms. Heath was kind of busy with another project as I took it out of its packaging, I looked at it and thought "I can do this". Because of his lessons and his attitude about having two girls I was able to march right down the hall and install a shower head!<br>
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Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09569648402408632793noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7105366995462131887.post-40956195254760877872015-11-20T09:08:00.001-08:002015-11-27T23:10:46.900-08:00Day 21: Logan<p dir="ltr">Today I am thankful for Logan. Logan is a very spirited young man who is full of love and vigor. He keeps Heath and I on our toes and keeps our home alive! I am so excited to help him channel this energy to become an amazing force in this world. I am so blessed to have been chosen to be his mom!</p>
Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09569648402408632793noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7105366995462131887.post-16897743974334315852015-11-20T08:49:00.001-08:002015-11-20T22:49:45.825-08:00Day 20: Pedicures <p dir="ltr">Today I am grateful for pedicures.  Pedicures are one of my single favorite things in this world.  Especially after a lot of miles on my old dogs after a 12 hour shift,  a pedicure is just what the Dr ordered.  A warm bath, massage, and pretty toes to walk out with and greet me for the rest of the month.  Quiet time for me...win-win! </p>
Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09569648402408632793noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7105366995462131887.post-1731590012692889892015-11-20T08:46:00.001-08:002015-11-20T22:48:57.915-08:00Day 19: Compliments <p dir="ltr">Today I am grateful for compliments. I got a very nice compliment from a person I don't know very well at all last night and I was surprised how good it made me feel. She kept asking me what smelled so good and then got close to me and said it was me. She said I smelled like a yoga studio. It sounds like a strange compliment but for me and what it going on in my life right now it is a sentence that she could have had no idea what kind of impact it had on me. <br>
This gratefulness inspired to choose this one as a post because we don't know what kind of impact our words may have on someone else. It may sound weird in our head or we may be to embarrassed to say but please go ahead and say it because you may not know how great of an impact it will have on another person. </p>
Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09569648402408632793noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7105366995462131887.post-45194543531425640102015-11-20T08:38:00.003-08:002015-11-20T22:48:05.311-08:00Day 18: My House<p dir="ltr">We have been so blessed since we have been in our house.  Almost eight years now.  It isn't anything special but fits all of needs perfectly.  It has been so fun in the past few months to shine it up.  We ripped out our kitchen in August and have been putting some of the finishing touches up on it the past week.  Reveal pictures soon.  The downstairs bedroom got a total remodel, and is more beautiful than I could have ever imagined.  The den is so pretty and restful.   Can't wait to show it off this next week. Looking forward to some new bathrooms and some less glamorous projects like spray in insulation!  Thank you house for being steadfast and such an incredible gift to our lives. <br>
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Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09569648402408632793noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7105366995462131887.post-43179744866493769272015-11-20T08:38:00.001-08:002015-11-20T22:47:08.726-08:00Day 17: Sweet Annabelle <p dir="ltr">Today I am grateful for my daughter Annabelle.  She is such a sweet, kind, loving child. She makes me laugh everyday and constantly surprises me with her level of empathy.   I love to watch her grasp language and learn how to spell and read. She loves to "learn" and explore her world. I hope to be the kind of mom who continues to allow her to grow into a beautiful young woman astonished that God in trusted me with her life.<br>
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Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09569648402408632793noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7105366995462131887.post-71518436660824669792015-11-16T23:02:00.001-08:002015-11-16T23:02:02.807-08:00Day 16: Being a Mom<p dir="ltr">Today I am grateful that I am a mom. It is the hardest job I have ever had the privilege of having.  I am amazed by these little people everyday.  They surprise me, challenge me and make me proud everyday. I have many feelings around being a mom, but mostly I am grateful that I am blessed to be in this position.</p>
Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09569648402408632793noreply@blogger.com0