Wednesday, February 28, 2018


I am way to young to have lost this many people.  Loss has been heavy on my mind after the loss of a friend recently.  I started questioning why this was such a heavy feeling, and then it occurred to me... because it is so many.  My parents talk about death as just a normal progression at their age.  They are in their 70's.  I am surrounded by death in my profession, which I think takes some of the sting out of it sometimes.  A equally aged friend was reflecting on how few people she had lost in her lifetime and it became a curious question why I have lost so many.

As a child I lost a normal amount of the great grandparents and the grandparents that I never new.  Then when I was 15 a close friend committed suicide.  This is the first time that I tasted death and its bitterness.  I felt it for what it was.  A life ceased.  Years stolen and experiences never to be.  We were left with so many questions, questions that linger still today 20+ years later.

Later that year I lost my Grandma.  She was an amazing woman.  She wasn't a grandma like I think many know their grandma.  I didn't spend a lot of time with her, nor did we know each other very well.  But she was the only grandma I had ever known and she was an extraordinary woman.  We honored her memory by caring on her name with our daughter's middle name.

Many years past with maybe a scattering of death's.  Periphery people, or cousins I never knew.  Sad the same, but not life altering.

When I was a young married woman a man who filled in some fatherly holes passed away. I was his cub.  We spent hundreds of hours together, sometimes in silence, sometimes making conversation to pass the time.  Always with deep respect and admiration.  He loved me as a granddaughter he hadn't had yet, and he understood undesirable parts of my childhood like no one else could have.  I still feel his presence from time to time.  On the year anniversary of his death we found our first home that we bought.  We have been happy here.  We have been content here.  This home has been more than a shelter, it has been a safe haven and has blessed us.  I feel his presence here, still loving on me and mine from beyond.

When my Grandfather passed away, it was an end of my grandparent generation.  He was a amazing man whom I was blessed to get to know in a way I never expected, and share sweet memories that I don't believe any of the other grandchildren got to see.  I have regrets that I couldn't be there more at his end, but if anyone wouldn't want me to be sorrowful it would be him.  What's done is done, and when your dead your dead.  Thanks Grandpa.  I can still smell you and feel your embrace when I think of you.

My husband's grandparents always treated me as a grandchild and not a wife of a grandson.  After my grandfather died, my relationship with them became even more important.  I loved my husbands grandma.  She was a little woman in physicality, but so strong in presence.  We were so blessed to be such a big part of her passing.  It was one of the most beautiful death's I have ever seen.  Surrounded by loved ones.  All of her children, their spouses and most of her grandchildren crammed into one room, we stood guard as she took her last breaths.  She struggled so much at the end of her life and it was so peaceful to see her be at peace.

It is one thing when an older person dies.  It is sad and you miss them and it is hard to move on without them in your life, but their isn't the questions and regret of a life unlived as it is when it is a young person.  Especially one who dies at their own hands.  Lizeth was a coworker that I didn't know well.  But we had children similar ages and had a quick bond because of that.  We worked together most shifts and she quickly became one of my favorite CNA's.  I was standing in the middle of the produce isle when I got the call that she had died at her own hands.  I have come to terms with her death, but I am still not ok with it.  We had one conversation that I can still hear in my head, and I will forever remember.  Her presence will always be felt when I hear this one song.  I will keep her children close in thoughts and prayers knowing they will grow without knowing their mother.

Eric.  Eric's death came as a huge surprise.  He was bigger than life.  Had a smile that would light up a room.  I feel richer for having known him.  Eric was a dear friend to my husband.  He was the best man in our wedding.  He was taken to young, 36.  Cancer is an unfair diagnosis, and an evil disease.  I will forever remember his laugh, and remember how he made you feel.  Loved.

My sweet Terri.  Terri past away the day after Christmas.  Her body was done.  I am so grateful her pain is over, and she doesn't have to live long enough to experience arthritis and what it would be like to live with full time care.  Terri and I were friends for 16 years.  We met when we were both young and vibrant.  She stood by my side through the most tumultuous years of my life.  Boyfriends, heartbreaks, husbands, weddings, babies.  She was a wonderful woman who was so full life and happiness.  Her smile melted all of your cares away and her laugh...  My life is far richer for have known her.  She has had a lifelong impression on my family, my children.  I am at peace with my last days with her.  I brought her comfort and rest, we laughed and cried, and she knew I loved her.

I think that this is an unnatural amount of people, close people, who I have lost in my short 37 years of living.  Maybe it seems compounded with all of the other periphery people, and patients that I have had to grieve. I don't know exactly what the afterlife holds but I do know that those who have faith in something bigger than themselves have an easier time letting go of their earthly body.  I know those who had some sort of a relationship with God still speak to me and help guide me.  I feel their presence.  Death is just one more stage of life, perhaps the last stage that we see, but I am hopeful that because these people lived and live on in my memory, the world will never be without their lessons because they live on through me.

Wednesday, December 7, 2016

I'm 36!

Today I turn 36.  How the hell did this happen?  Recently it has struck me just how quick time has seem to go.  I have blogged before about how I have reached the age that I never thought I would be.  Even more so at 36.  I feel in some way that I have come into my own.  I feel as though I have a lot of my priorities straight, and I know what and who is important.  I have much less tolerance for BS and value quality and depth much more than quantity.  Maybe this is a normal progression of age but it is a noticeable difference in the past few years.
There is so many things that take my time, energy and emotional attention at this time that I haven't had the time or capacity to be very introspective recently.  For the past several years I have written this big blog post about who I am, where I stand, what my goals for the year are.  This year I am lucky that I got to my computer to blog.
At 36...

  • I strive to be authentic.  I am drawn to all things original and authentic and I would like to be the most honest, best version of myself.
  • I want to be active.  I want physical activity to be a part of me.  I want to crave it when I don't have it.  I want it to be a necessary part of every day.
  • I want to embrace grace.  Grace for myself, grace for others.  I want to be understanding and hold no condemnation towards my or anyone else's actions.
  • I want to be present.  Time keeps slipping through my hands and I feel as though I miss the forest through the trees.  I pray that I can be present in every day life.  When I'm somewhere or with someone I want to be fully present in that moment.  When I shop, I want to be shopping.  When I am with my kids, I want to be with my kids, when I'm working I want to be working.
That is it.  That is my depth and introspection.  I am off to be authentic, active, graceful and present in my day!

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

My Momma's Birthday

Today my mother defies all odds and enters another decade of her life.  My mother, who survived a horrible childhood, endured a difficult adult life, fought and won three separate cancers, raised two very strong daughters, and has been blessed by four adoring grandchildren, turns 70!  She is THE MOST beautiful, vibrant and alive 70 year old I know.  She is an inspiration to me every day I live.  She constantly gives of herself, of her time, of her love and of her prayer.  I often tease that she has the direct line to God.  She prays and things happen.  She is a wonderful mother and I have never doubted for a moment how much she loves me.  I only hope that I can raise my children in such a way that they have the security and unwavering love that my mother always gave me.  Thank you Mom for being a guiding light in my life and always setting a standard for which all others are measured.  I love you!


I stumbled back upon this the other day.  I think about this essay frequently but wanted to put it somewhere I could refer to it often and share it with others I think could benefit from its heart felt words and sentiment.

The Transformations of Motherhood
Honoring your "caterpillar self," as well as the butterfly you have become
By: Amy Tiemann, Ph.D.

     It is tempting to romanticize miraculous transformations.  A homely, leaf-munching caterpillar spins a cocoon, incubates and emerges as a gorgeous butterfly.  It's an image we're all familiar with, and we are always happy to see the new butterfly stretch her wings.
     But I bet you have never asked yourself, "what about the caterpillar?"
     The caterpillar is gone.  After she enters the cocoon, her cells completely rearrange.  The new butterfly is an amazing creature; one that is beautiful, strong and able to soar to new heights.  But one thing is for sure - she will never be a caterpillar again.
     Becoming a mom means that like the caterpillar, your life will change in amazing, and significant ways.  Getting a whole new life does not have to be a bad thing, but it comes as quite a shock if you don't realize that's what you are signing up to do.
     Our culture doesn't do a very good job of explaining this to people before they become parents.  Birth is such a big event that it is natural for us to over-prepare for it.  However, we do new parents a disservice by failing to look beyond the issues of delivery and infant care.  In many ways, the birth industry is to motherhood as the wedding industry is to marriage.  You get so caught up in the "big day" that you don't look beyond it to the rest of your life.
     A new baby is not just a temporary diversion in your plans, like a big project at work that takes over your life for a few months before things get back to normal.  Adding children to your family means creating a new way of life - a new "normal" - especially for the child's primary caregiver, usually Mom.
     Becoming a parent sets you on a lifelong path of constantly evolving challenges.  By the time you've figured out the terrible twos, you are faced with new three-year-old issues.  Having a baby means that five years from now you'll be the parent of a kindergartner, and in thirteen years you'll have a teenager!  You are signing up for challenges you can't even envision yet.
     The clash between expectation and reality can be one of the most stressful aspects of the initiation into motherhood, especially for women who are used to being in control of their lives.  Motherhood is an exercise in letting go of absolute control and making peace with chaos.  One of my goals is to reduce the shock of becoming a mom by giving women a more realistic view of what motherhood is really like.
     Becoming a mother takes on a new set of challenges when a woman has spent 30 years or more developing her own identity into the most wonderful caterpillar she could be before becoming a butterfly.  The older a woman is when she becomes a mom, the more of an established identity she has to leave behind.
     So after four decades of social change and increasing opportunity for women, we find ourselves faced with life at the intersection of feminism and reality.  Motherhood brings gender roles to the forefront for the first time in many women's lives, creating new negotiations with spouses about fairly sharing the care giving and household work that come with family life.
     Women are challenged to carve out career paths that balance the goals of financial security, finding an outlet for our professional talents, and at the same time "being there" for our families.  And on top of it all, somewhere in this complicated equation, we hope to find a place for ourselves in our lives.
     My hope is that in 21st Century America, women can learn to feel free to talk honestly about the joys of motherhood as well as the challenges.  It is not only okay, but also important to mourn the loss of the parts of your pre-motherhood "caterpillar self" that you miss.
     Find a way to express these feelings and honorably say good-bye to the parts of your old life you may not be able to - or don't want to - reclaim.  Find a trusted friend to talk to who will listen to your losses without minimizing them.
     Once you have let go of the idea of returning to life just as it was before you became a mother, you will have more emotional energy to devote to finding new pathways in your life.  If there is a part of your caterpillar self that you have put aside but long to reclaim, hold on to that goal.  You may be able to revive that part of your life as your children get older, or you can identify its essence and come up with a new outlet that gives you the same reward.  The goals of my work are to encourage you to make a conscious choice to continue developing your own identity after becoming a mom, and to provide inspiration and practical ideas to help you do so.

Media Contact: Michelle Tennant, 828-749-3200,

Tuesday, April 5, 2016

The Seed Was Planted

A couple of weeks ago a major shift happened in my life.  It has been over a year long journey to get to this place, but now I am here, and this change has taken over.
Heath was out of town over a weekend, and I was home with the kids.  Such a strange thing for me to be alone with the kids on a weekend.  Getting up for church that day was hard, I could have stayed in bed for hours.  Knowing Annabelle's disappointment and knowing there was really no good reason to miss, we pushed forward.  We were late to church, and I even thought as we were walking in, do I really want to do this?
Annabelle recently began going to the "big kids" service.  It is a lot more like church and less like preschool with playing and having a God centered craft activity.  They have bee learning about scripture, and several weeks earlier, we had purchased her own bible.  As we were rushing into church, with her new beloved pink bible in hand, being carried in her bible bag that my grandmother had made for me as a little girl, she asked me "Mom, why don't you bring a bible".  I had no good answer for my wide eyed innocent 5 year old.  I had no words that would even explain why there hasn't ever been a bible in my home since I moved out of my parents house.  Children have this amazing ability to hold up a huge mirror in front of your face and make you really look at the reflection.  I didn't like what I saw.
The funny thing was that I had been thinking about the bible a lot recently.  I sit in church, enjoy the sermon and carry forward in my week with a positive message.  The thing is that I really don't have a good grasp on what the bible says.  As my faith evolves and my questions arise, I have no bases for any belief or disbelief.  I know the big stories from the bible, and have heard a lot of the references, but have never had a great grasp on all the in between stuff.  Why are there so many chapters to the bible?  How do they all fit together?  Why does it have the same stories in multiple different books?  A lot of these questions had started bubbling to the surface.
A few months ago, there was an amazing guest speaker at church.  Patsy Camenti ( planted a seed somewhere deep inside me that had been germinating since.  Around that time I had also watched the movie the War Room.  Both of these things went hand in hand.  These messages brought up a lot of questions about my own prayer life.  Was my prayer life cold, luke warm or on fire?  Well, lets just say that my prayer life doesn't hold a flame to the hot flashes!
Once I got the kids settled into church and made my way (15 minutes late) into the sanctuary, I took my usual seat next to my parents.  I fidgeted to get comfortable in my usual, I'm here but I have  a lot of doubts but want to believe way.  I was pondering all of my long list of doubts when one of the musician in the band looked up from his guitar and looked straight at me.  He walked to the front of the stage and offered his prophetic word.  God had told him that we were looking through the wrong lens.  We needed to close our eyes and look through our hearts.  I had my attention on the wrong thing and needed to look with a different purpose.  Whoa!
I always enjoy the music that the worship band plays.  That days especially hit me.  I have been listening to quite a bit of Christian radio, and there are a few songs that I tend to crank up the volume up when they come on.  There was a singer on stage that I have never heard perform and she started to belt out one of my favorite songs.  The songs message: let the love surround you, call upon his name when you have doubts, like the oceans vastness so is his love for you, hard to comprehend.
I have to say this is probably the first time I have sang in church in a long long time.  I love that song and I love our worship band.  I sang.  When I was a young lady at church camp when my faith was strong, I would sing my heart out and hold my hands up in worship.  I haven't held my hands up in 20 years.  I put my hand up.  Ever so slightly, right by my waist, but it was up!
The pastors message is usually very interesting and I always get something out of it.  That day, it was tailored just for me!  (  The message talked about basing your faith in the word.  Develop a deep desire for the word and what it says.  He compared our faith to a harvest from a farmer.  People want to reap a harvest (of faith) without ever planting a seed (of the word).  Whoa!  That point flew out right into the audience and hit me right upside the head, D'oh!  Here I was having a desire for faith, and walking the walk, but not have done any of the work to plant the seeds.  I don't believe the message could have been any clearer.
The next day during my morning routine, I opened the book I have read a couple of times, Jesus calling, and what message do I get?  "You are on the right path.  Listen more to Me and less to your doubts...As I said to My disciple Peter, so I say to you: Follow Me."  Those words flew off of the page and hit me upside the head, D'oh!  I felt like saying, ok, ok I get it!  People always say that they are waiting for a sign from God.  I think God sent me a few signs on top of each other, because I obviously needed it in multiples to understand!
Since this series of event,s a shift has happened in my life.  Where there has never been a desire to read the bible, there is now a deep desire and curiosity for what the word says.  I have bought a bible, a highlighter, bible tabs, printed off a family tree of the old testament, and have read almost every day.  I am halfway through Leviticus.  I have had some wonderful poignant conversations with my father.  I have gone to church when I absolutely have not had to go, on days I have had time, I have downloaded and listened to or watched sermons.  I am curious how it all works and all the meat now.  I can't explain this desire other than I have planted some slow germinating seeds over the past couple of years and they are finally starting to sprout!  Soon, I believe, God will reveal what my garden is supposed to look like.

Thursday, February 11, 2016

Meridian Tapping

One of my best discoveries recently is of meridian tapping.  It has done a better job of helping me with my anxiety than anything I have ever tried. 
I stumbled upon this practice from a video posted from one of my favorite bloggers.  (  The author has a daughter with some sensory issues and she shared a video of how she helps to prevent meltdowns with tapping.  It was so amazing to see this little girl model after her mama.  That video sent me on a search for other videos and more information.  The  basic premise is that our bodies are made up of grids, called meridians.  Energy gets stuck in these meridians as travels through our bodies.  There are several ways to help unblock it and move it around.  Accupuncture, accupressure, massage, reflexology all work on similar premises.  Once I tried tapping, I was immediatly hooked.  I could literally feel some of these channels unclog.  It was like pulling a stopper out of a sink full of dirty dish water.  I could instantly feel my body relax and tension release.
I have been practicing tapping almost daily for many weeks now and this morning I didn't really feel anything shift.  It got me curious.   Was I not in the right space or if maybe for the first time since I started, maybe I hit a plateau?  Did I not have any built up or clogged energy?  Maybe I did a maintenance session?  Kind of a cool thought.  To be continued...

Saturday, February 6, 2016

My BRCA Journey Part Two

I LIVED!!  One of my greatest, and most unrealistic fear of having surgery was the anesthesia.  As the anesthesialogist told me, I had more risk driving in a car to the hospital than I had going under general anesthesia.  Thankfully I had a great experience.  The syncronisities continued and could not have asked for a better surgery experience.
Heath and I got up really early and left twice as long of time to get to the hospital as we needed because we had to go all the way across Denver in morning rush hour.  We hit not one accident or traffic jam and arrived a full hour before we needed to check in.  We were just pulling in when I got a phone call from the hospital saying that they were running ahead of schedule and asked if we could get there any earlier.  When has that ever happened in the history of healthcare!?
I had great staff in preop, and have no recollection of anything from leaving preop until postop.  I felt great, had no nausea, was able to get up pretty quickly and peed easily.  The only issue was that I probably took a little too much pain medicine and could not stay awake for longer than a couple of minutes, lightweight.
We got home by dinner time and I slept all the way in the car.  I recovered comfortably on the couch the following few days, and other than feeling like I had done the ab workout from hell, I really felt good.  I only took the percocet for a day or two, and then soley took Ibprofen for a week or so until I started forgetting to take pain medicine.
Heath lived up to and exceeded all of my expectations with his level of concern and dedication.  My mom was a dream and at the ready for any needs Heath and I had.  They both let me lounge around and relax.  Healing was no problem with such wonderful people in my corner.
After a week, I was pretty well back on my feet, and after two weeks I felt like I could go back to work.  I had to be off for four weeks to allow my surgical sites to completely heal.  With the physicality and lifting expectations in my job, there is some concern for developing a hernia through one of those sites.  It was a wonderful opportunity for a staycation.  Heath and I and the kids sucked up all of the wonderful family time, and made the most of every opportunity to enjoy being home (a rarity for the four of us).
I was ready to walk into my two week surgeon follow up appoinment questioning if my doctor really took anything out because I had not had one symptom of menapause.  Then just a couple of days before, I had my first hot flash.  Wabam!  I heard them described as "power surges" before and I would agree that is what they feel like.  Instead of being hot like usually, when you have too many layers on, you take off your coat or your sweater and it feels better.  Nope, nothing helps these.  It is a internal fire which there is no relief until it passes.  Luckly they are quick, usually less than a minute long.  I have them mostly at night when I am sleeping, and at church (I'm trying not to read to much into that).  Since I have returned to work, I have noticed they happen quite a bit at work to, but it's quite a nice change from being freezing all the time.
I am so grateful that a few power surges are my only symptom.  There is nothing else that I have noticed, and nothing that Heath has remarked on.  I feel perfectly normal, and am able to get on with life, just a little warmer!  The relief that I feel having had the procedure done, and knowing all the pathology came back completly clean is indescribable.  I am grateful that I have had such a great recovery and do not regret the path that I have chosen.  I have been truly blessed!