The Hottest Part of the Flame

I did an exercise tonight which I became drawn to the blue part of the fire flame. Is it a coincidence that blue has always been my favorite color? It is the hottest part of the fire. It make me ponder, am I now reaching the blue part of my flame? The hottest part? If this isn't the blue part, I don't know what to expect in the future, because it is freaking burning right now. I have learned that I only do two things well at any point in time. I can only have two main focuses. This is both good and bad. I have SO many interests right now. I would love to delve into each one of them and live richly, but I know myself well enough to know that I can only concentrate on two of them with any intention. My three main goals this year, Healthy, Wealthy and Stealthy are coming along very well. I am currently deep in the blue of Stealthy right now as I am training for my triathlon, which is in...three weeks and counting, gasp! I don't have any doubts that I can do it at this point, my only question is how well? I just want to be able to complete all three legs with gusto and without stopping. My biggest fear is that I will not be mentally tough enough to complete the 5K after the swim and bike portion. I have to work through my feelings about how it will feel to walk or if that is even an option. To prove to myself that I have come this far, and can indeed run a 5K, I completed my first one this past weekend. I did really well, and with the help of a dear friend Robin, I didn't stop and just kept moving forward (thank you Meredith Atwood). Will I be able to have that kind of focus and intensity day of? I hope so. For now, just keep on training! I have also been focusing on Wealthy. We have been working the Dave Ramsey plan for six and a half years and payed off the rest of our consumer debt this spring! YEA! With that we have set some new goals (send Heath through school debt free) which have really caused me to focus on the b-word...Budget. We have, for the past six years, had what I would call a spending plan, but very rarely a budget. I now spend every penny on paper before the month begins. I know the first of the month how much money we have to spend on diapers, food and toilet paper. Going to the store and planning meals for the week within a certain amount of cash is interesting and challenging. Instead of thinking about how much it sucks and how much I would like to just get what we need and not pay attention to cost, I take it as a challenge I need to master. I have been having a lot of fun approaching it as a puzzle. It has really made me question the abundance we have as Americans, and how much do we REALLY need? What a change our lives have taken over the past year. Heath has had an amazing attitude for being part of the ride. I need to work this fall on the Healthy. Once the triathlon is over, and my exercise routine that is now hard wired in becomes a less area of focus and more maintanence, I need to focus on my meditative practice and my spiritual journey. This goal has taken kind of a back burner, but is still much of a focus for the year. I am going to seek out a meditation retreat this fall, hopefully around October. I feel like this is an areas where I can have tremndous growth and this growth will then spill back over into Stealthy and Wealthy. It probably needed to be first in the year, a January and February project, but then we need to approach everything in its own devine timing as well. One thing I have learned for sure is that I am etching out time in my life for, um, ME, and I do not feel guilty about it. I am no good to anyone else in my life if I am completly drained. I could have very well gone to bed tonight with my husband, but I chose to follow my desires and have a Mom date on the back porch. Wine, Candle and my blog. Life is good...GREAT!

Cheerios Everywhere and Other Revelations

When I was a young single woman I prided myself on keeping my home and things in "perfect" order. I loved needing something and being able to retrieve it instantly, and in perfect condition.  I would look at those Moms at Target who would open the door to the mini van and Cheerios would fall out, and secretly mock them, thinking that will NEVER be me.  I have learned never to judge others because it dooms you to turn into that which you judge.
Now as a mother of two small children I often ask myself "How did we get Cheerios there"? as I change my 8 month old sons diaper.  Just the beginning of many mysteries that go with being a parent.  It is a beautiful day outside, I am sitting blogging and enjoying the rustle of wind through the trees, the smell of summer and the slight bit of sunshine hitting my left shoulder.  Where is my almost three year old you ask?  Outside playing with the homemade sidewalk paints (thank you Pinterest)

Or playing in her own water table extravaganza I created?

 Oh no, she's on the couch covered up with a blanket watching cartoons!  Awesome parenting!  Let ye be judged!

I am trying to live the best life I can, model the best behavior for my children that I can, and do the best for them that I can.  That is all that we can ask of ourselves, right?  I am sure that this self induced guilt that I feel for EVERY decision I make and every day I live, will indeed last until the day I die.  But I am truly doing the BEST that I can. I felt guilty yesterday for taking most of the day to spend on ... ME!  But on the other side of the coin, what healthy behavior am I modeling for them that I take time for myself?
I am working towards completing my very first (and maybe last) Triathlon at the beginning of August.  I have been pretty worried about the open water swim portion of the triathlon.  The event creators also hosted a camp for Tri newbies.  Although it was more money than I wanted to spend, had to rearrange my already difficult schedule and spend a good portion of the day away from my family, I chose to go.  It was AWESOME!  We got to work with some fabulous coaches and triathletes.  I hung on every word they said and learned so many amazing things.  The biggest thing I learned?  I sell myself short often!  I think we all do, and I am nothing special.  What I am truly capable of and what I believe I am capable of are often two different things.
I was standing in Cherry Creek State Park Reservoir yesterday with a group of amazing women, all shapes, sizes, ages, capabilities and from all walks of life, being coached by a women who just completed a half Ironman competition in New Zeland, and I WAS THERE!  I swam, and  did really well, and it felt amazing.  I felt that little feeling that other athletes or people with passions must feel when they are doing what they love.  One of the coaches said that I got bit by the Tri Bug!  I was so excited to be doing something intensely personal, intensely hard, ans at the same time part of this amazing group of women who also where fighting some deep personal battles.  How cool it is going to be to actually do this triathlon and be at this park with 2000 women all coming out to support a great cause and compete against themselves!  I am truly in awe of what an amazing experience this will be.
Hopefully the "perfect" disorder that my house is constantly in, the Cheerios that I find in the strangest places and that dirt on my sons ankle that I wonder is food or poop (equal chances of either) will all be forgotten and the time we spend reading to them every night, the hundredth time we sing wheels on the bus and the triathlon I finish when Mom is 32 years old is the lessons that my children glen.  I'm learning to love my imperfectly perfect life.

Great things can happen...

Just proof to me that many wonderful things can happen in this world if you just get out of your own way.  

We make so many excuses surrounding what is good for us in this world.  Eating well, exercising, meditating, self care, all take so much time and energy that we find ourselves not even attempting to try. Wouldn't it be better to try and even do these great things 25% of the time rather than not at all?  Why are we so hard on ourselves that we must always do things perfectly and 100% of the time?  I am learning that putting intention towards anything, and even attempting to strive towards my goals gets me closer than I have been and sets me up to want do more and better.  Putting just a little bit if effort out comes back 10 fold. 

How many things do I want to be better at in this life?  What can I do today to take a step closer to that thing?  Today, be a better wife!  Date night at home, check!  Better wife, check!  Feeling better about my self, check!

Try a Tri

Well, it's over. My first experience with a triathlon.  I have always thought that completing a triathlon would be really cool, but I really never thought that I could do it. Then this year I questioned "why can't I"? The excuses were pretty lame.  I decided that I needed to quit making excuses in my life and do things I would like to do. What's the worst that could happen, fail? Well then least I would know that it wasn't really for me, and I am not just to afraid to try.

Heath mentioned he and the kids would come and cheer me on. I never invited them, or anyone else, because this really felt like a personal journey within myself, and it never occurred to me that they would want to be there, or that they would be proud of me. That is one of the major shifts in my life this year...external factors are not pushing me, these are all very personal journeys I am on.

So now the monster, the BHAG (Big Hairy Audacious Goal)...a full triathlon August 4th. This is the event that has sat in my mind for years thinking, "that would be cool".  The time to be cool has come.  

8 - 14 - Life

14 years ago today I went on the first date with a boy who I would later call my husband.  8 years ago today we stood on top of a mountain with a few of our nearest and dearest and exchanged our wedding vows.  Today, we have created a truly amazing , loving, respectful marriage, a beautiful, restful home and a adorable family.  We have a life I am proud to be a part of. I treasure our past, our story, our present (as difficult as it may be somedays) and look into the future with hope and promise.  I look forward to spending the best years of my life with this man, and these two strange and amazing beings we have created.  I look forward to creating a life full of memories and experiences. I look forward to some of the incredible challenges I know are coming with hope in my heart because I have faith that we will overcome valiantly!  He is who I have chosen to be my life partner, and who has been placed in my life to help me realize my potential. He makes me a better person by being himself. He makes me happier and more fulfilled everyday I am blessed to spend with him.  He has made me a woman, a wife and a mother and to him I am eternally grateful! Heath Ryan Kahler I love you and thank you for getting up the courage 14 years ago to call me up and ask me out, and 8 1/2 years ago to risk life and limb to ask me to marry you. I would say yes everyday of the past 8 years and look forward to the next 80!

The First Mile

I just ran the first mile I have run since high school!  26 days ago I hadn't ran farther than a few blocks in more than 12 years.  Wow!  Really shows you what a little attention and focus can do.
I started on a journey four and a half months ago.  I have some REAL goals for this year.  Some REAL New Years resolutions.  I laid out my goals and some actual, measurable steps in order to obtain these goals.  I think that is what is different about this year.  I started with the end in mind.  I mapped my course.  I know where I am going and how I am going to get there. 
One of the questions I have had to come face to face with during this journey is why do I hate to run?  It is one of the things that I feel would do the most benefit in my journey, but I haven't been able to approach it, until now.  Do I hate to run because I USED to hate to run?  Or do I still hate to run?  Do I hate to run because of all of the excuses I USED to have, or are those excuses still true for me?  So far, running is not what I would call enjoyable, but I am facing my fears and hates and accomplishing goals that lead to bigger goals. 
I have wanted to complete a triathlon for many years.  A friend competed in a triathlon many years ago, and I was secretly very jealous.  I was jealous because I thought "I would like to do that, but will never ever be able to".  This year I am questioning all of those never evers.  I have began training for a triathlon this month and as a few minutes ago, I have registered to complete a half a triathlon in June and a full triathlon in August.  Wow!  I am going to do this!  No turning back now.
Every year for many many years I have set out to loose weight and get healthy.  Me and the rest of the country.  I never made concrete, attainable goals to get there.  So this year I find myself 32 years old and 30 + pounds overweight.  I want to lead by example.  I want to show my kids what it is to be healthy.  I want to demonstrate determination and sheer focus for my patients.  I want to be able to say look at what I did this year.

A Mommy Date

Today could have been a total loss, but I chose to make use of it! I had to come to Loveland early, for something that turned out to only take 15 minutes. It would have been a waste to drive back to Longmont just to turn right back around. I chose, yes chose, to go work out instead. Who is this person who is emerging? I could have used to think of a hundred things I would rather do than work out, but these days it is at the top of my list everyday. I went to a new rec center and went swimming. I enjoyed myself and now that is off the list for today. The question of dinner was next, hmm. Mommy Date! It used to feel so strange going to a restaurant by myself, but now it feels like an opportunity. I enjoy a quiet meal of my choosing. Anywhere I want to go, however long I want to stay. Dating myself is very important. I do so much for everyone and everything else, it is really nice to give back to me. The gift of time is so important, and today I chose to spend it wisely.